It's A Wonderful Carol- 01
by Jess S
Summary: Christmas spoof of 'Christmas Carol' and 'It's A Wonderful Life,' part 01. Everyone said it was funny, so I'm uploading it and you guys can decide for yourselves.


**TITLE: **It's A Wonderful Carol****

  
  


**AUTHOR:** Jess S. ****

  
  


**DATE SENT OUT: **17-12-00 (yes, I record dates in the standard system)****

  
  


**A/N:** Wow, I'm actually putting up a fic. I had previously been using my authors account just for the AuthorAlert, but now I have a real reason! Cool! *blinks* Anyway, the peeps in here are. . . Cassandra Claire (of 'Draco Dormeins' & 'Draco Sinister' fame, and a faithful contributor to 'Draco Dexter'), Narri (AKA Someone the First, of the 'Parents Who Died' series and 'Digging The Hole, And Then Climbing Out' fame, and other faithful contributor to 'Draco Dexter'), Alicia/Sue Spinnet (of 'An Unlikely Coven,' 'Salsa, Storage Closets, And Something Else,' 'Dysfunctional Equanimity,' and, if she EVER finishes it *hint, hint* 'Sex, She Wrote' fame, and yet another faithful contributor to 'Draco Dexter'), and Starling's artwork (the drawings of Draco in tight leather pants). Oh, and me, too, but I'm a total ditz in this story, so ignore that. K? K. On with the show. . .

  
  


**DISCLAIMER: **I own myself and my ditzy counterpart. Cassandra Claire owns herself, Narri owns herself, and Alicia/Sue owns herself. Starling owns the drawings of Draco in his tight leather pants, since she's the one who drew them. J.K. Rowling owns all things HP. Happy now? Good. I hate writing disclaimers. . .

~*~*~*~

  
  


THE SCENE: Three spirits, all female, of varying heights, weights, and coloring, are standing on a cloud. The fourth spirit, and the youngest of the four, is on her knees, peering over the side of the cloud.

  
  


~*~

  
  


"Are you sure that's them?"

  
  


"Yep. That's them."

  
  


"How can you tell?"

  
  


"Hey, you're the rookie around here. Don't ask questions."

  
  


"_Fine_. 'K, so I go down there. . . and then what?"

  
  


The young woman who had accused the youngest spirit of being a rookie sighed loudly and rubbed her temple. "Lor-dy. Now I remember why you've been here for 200 years and still haven't been promoted."

  
  


The youngest sat up on her heels and sputtered indignantly. "Excuse me, Cassie Claire, but I have too been promoted. I just got sorta _de_-moted afterwards."

  
  


The spirit now known as Cassandra 'Cassie' Claire blinked and looked at the youngest spirit again. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. What happened exactly, Jess?"

  
  


The youngest spirit now known as Jess stood up quickly, only to have her right leg plunge through the cloud that she was standing on. "Ow- I, uh, kinda started a food fight at the banquet afterwards. Oof- can I get some help here?"

  
  


Cassandra Claire rolled her eyes as Jess struggled, without avail, to remove herself from the cloud. "Honestly," she muttered. "Narri, Alicia/Sue, c'mere."

  
  


The two other spirits walked over to Cassandra Claire and Jess. Narri grabbed one arm and Alicia/Sue grabbed the other. 

  
  


"On three," Narri said to Alicia/Sue. "One- two- three-" The two hoisted Jess out of the cloud, who proceeded to stand up gracefully and brush herself off.

  
  


"Jess, I've told you again and again. Tread softly. These old clouds aren't like they used to be," Narri reprimanded. 

  
  


"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Jess replied as she popped her gum.

  
  


Narri walked over to Cassandra Claire looking pretty peed off. "Cass, why can't we get a real messenger to do this? One who won't trip over their own feet every two seconds," Narri asked, shooting a glare at Jess, who was re-applying her bright purple lipstick.

  
  


"Yeah, really," Alicia/Sue agreed. "I swear, that chick is the biggest idiot ever born. Good God, look at her!" Alicia/Sue pointed angrily at Jess. Jess was now using an oversized mascara wand in an attempt to put neon blue streaks in her long blond hair, but was only succeeding in dripping bright blue blobs of paint on the white cloud.

  
  


Cassandra Claire sighed. "She's the only one who volunteered for this project." 

  
  


Narri's jaw dropped. "The _only_ one?!?" Cassandra Claire nodded grimly. "Why?"

  
  


Cassandra Claire grimaced. "I don't know, really. We asked for volunteers, and she was the only one who signed up. Of course, we couldn't say no, and she was just so happy to get chosen for a project. . ." She drifted off. Alicia/Sue and Narri just stared at each other, dumbstruck.

  
  


Having given up on technicolor-ing her hair, Jess strode over to the trio, popped her gum noisily, and looked at Narri and Alicia/Sue curiously. "What?" she asked loudly. Cassandra Claire cleared her throat.

  
  


"Jess, lemme go over everything one more time," Cassandra Claire said slowly. Jess nodded. "You go down to the kids and tell them that before the night is over they will be visited by three spirits. Then you leave. That's all."

  
  


"Oh, that's easy enough. But how do I know which kids to get? There's, like, eight of 'em down there."

  
  


"Five, Jess, five. . ." Narri muttered. She turned to Alicia/Sue and said quietly, "We're doomed. The kid can't even count to five without getting lost on the way."

  
  


Cassandra Claire, however, missed this comment and answered Jess's question. "I've got some pictures around here somewhere. . . ah, here they are." She pulled out a red binder filled with many black-and-white pencil drawings. "They're artists' renditions, of course, but they'll work." She handed the binder to Jess, who began to rifle through it. "I've drawn red circles around the ones you need to go to. Their names are. . . aw, dammit, I can't remember their names. What are they, Alicia/Sue?"

  
  


"And to think that you call yourself our leader. . ." Alicia/Sue said, rolling here eyes. She stopped abruptly when she caught the glare Cassandra Claire was giving her. "Huh? Oh, yeah- their names are Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, and Hermione Granger," she recited, leaning back on her heels.

  
  


"Two Weasleys, huh? What's up with that?" Jess asked.

  
  


"They're brother and sister," Narri explained.

  
  


"Gotcha." Jess popped her gum again and continued to look through the binder of drawings. Suddenly, her eyes grew wide and she smacked her gum. "Good God, some of these guys are hot. Who's the one in the tight leather pants?"

  
  


"That's Draco Malfoy, but what he's wearing is not impor-"

  
  


"Draco Malfoy, hmm? Sounds kinda evil to me. . . evil and _sexy_. . ."

  
  


"Jess, _no_!" Cassandra Claire shouted. "You may _not_ hit on your subjects! It's against the rules, Code 13.8.345! You know that! I thought you learned your lesson after that little incident with the French portrait artist."

  
  


"He wasn't French, he was an American who lived in France. And it wasn't _my_ fault he asked me to pose nude..." Jess pouted.

  
  


"Oh, and I suppose it wasn't you fault either that you nearly _did_? It's a good thing Narri here had been keeping an eye on you, or else you wouldn't be here today," Cassandra Claire retorted as Narri grinned smugly.

  
  


"That was ninety years ago!" Jess yelled, all dignity forgotten. "And I did _not_ almost pose nude for him! He won tickets for some cruise to New York, hooked up with some rich chick, then died in a tragic accident involving an iceberg, some idiotic watchman, and a few too many lifeboats. It's a shame, too. He was _awfully_ cute. . . in more ways than one. . ."

  
  


Alicia/Sue rolled her eyes. "And I'm the one who's supposed to have the mind that's hovering in the gutter. . ." she mumbled.

  
  


Cassandra Claire looked at her watch. "OK, Jess, it's nearly midnight. When the clock strikes twelve, you appear and deliver your haunting message. Got it?"

  
  


"Yeah, yeah, easy beans," Jess said, although the tremor in her voice gave her fear away. She popped her gum again, stepped up to the edge of the cloud, and poised to dive off, as a swimmer would into the pool.

  
  


"Ready. . ." Cassandra Claire said quietly. "Ten- nine- eight- oh, please don't screw up- five- four- three-"

  
  


But Jess, in a fit of energy, had cannon-balled off of the cloud prematurely, yelling and hollering obscenities all the way down.

  
  


"Oh, shit," Alicia/Sue said as she looked over the edge of the cloud.

  
  


'Uh-oh. . ." Narri added. "That can't be good. . ."

  
  


"I couldn't agree more," Cassandra Claire said slowly, as she, too, watched Jess sail down through the air.

  
  


Then she walked over to the center of the cloud, got down on her knees, and began to bang her head against the floor.

  
  


~Finis 1~

  
  


**A/N 2:** Well, I hope that didn't suck too much. Thanx to my beta-readers, Cassandra Claire, Narri, Alicia/Sue, and Starling (and Syd too, even though she never got to read it, cuz she's grounded, but she had to listen to me ramble on and on and on about it.) Next part: Jess goes and gets 'em! 


End file.
